{"id":3661,"date":"2015-09-18T11:57:21","date_gmt":"2015-09-18T15:57:21","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.sperrytentsseacoast.com\/blog\/?p=3661"},"modified":"2015-09-18T11:57:21","modified_gmt":"2015-09-18T15:57:21","slug":"miss-conducts-survival-guide-for-wedding-guests","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/sperrytentsseacoast.com\/miss-conducts-survival-guide-for-wedding-guests\/","title":{"rendered":"Miss Conduct\u2019s survival guide for wedding guests"},"content":{"rendered":"

 <\/p>\n

There\u2019s all sorts of advice out there for the bride and groom, but what about the rest of us?<\/p>\n

By\u00a0Robin Abrahams<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"whelan_0807_orchard_cove_photography\"<\/a>My invitation didn\u2019t include my partner\/kids\/a plus-one. Can I bring her\/them\/him anyway?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Sadly, no. Only the explicitly invited may attend a wedding. RSVP cards aren\u2019t election ballots; you can\u2019t just write in whomever you want as a protest vote.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s usually not polite to ask if you can bring someone extra. If you have to travel to the wedding and children aren\u2019t invited, you can ask the couple about child-care options. And if your spouse or longtime life partner isn\u2019t invited, you can discreetly check if that was a mistake. A celebration of couple hood shouldn\u2019t require people to leave their partners at home.<\/p>\n

Something has come up. Can I back out of a wedding I\u2019ve RSVP\u2019d to?<\/strong><\/p>\n

You get back in that pew and smile through your ruptured appendix, young lady.<\/p>\n

Weddings are a Major Life Event, but not the only one, and if an M.L.E. of your own\u2009\u2014\u2009the death of a relative, an illness, a financial emergency\u2009\u2014\u2009makes it difficult or impossible to attend, you may excuse yourself. If you suddenly can\u2019t participate as a member of the wedding party, let the couple know as soon as possible and do your best to gracefully delegate any responsibilities. Etiquette doesn\u2019t require you to explain your situation to the rest of the wedding party, but human psychology does\u2009\u2014\u2009everyone\u2019s going to wonder and gossip, so you may as well get your story out there.<\/p>\n

How do I make a good toast?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Think about that story you\u2019ve been telling about Chris since eighth grade. No, not\u00a0that<\/em>\u00a0story, the other one. It\u2019s sweet. You tell that story, just as if you\u2019re sitting around telling it\u2009\u2014\u2009this isn\u2019t \u201cpublic speaking.\u201d You tell it, and then you say something like \u201cAnd that\u2019s when I learned the kind of person Chris is\u201d or \u201cThat\u2019s how Chris taught me what \u2018trust\u2019 means,\u201d and then you say something like \u201cAnd I know you\u2019re both going to do great things together,\u201d and then you say \u201cI love you, Chris,\u201d and then you say \u201cTo Chris and Leslie!\u201d Say your words slowly, and don\u2019t say very many of them.<\/p>\n

The wedding invitation says \u201cbohemian formal\u201d (or something like that). What does that mean?<\/strong><\/p>\n

It means there\u2019s a high likelihood of whimsical desserts and a low chance of the Electric Slide. It means that the couple want you to dress up but also to enjoy it, and that they believe this is possible for everyone and that they believe obfuscation promotes creativity. It means nobody else will know what to wear either. It means you should wear something simple and dark with flat shoes and one boffo accessory, just like you do for every other wedding.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know anyone here. What should I do?<\/strong><\/p>\n

The instinct is to pounce on a fellow singleton, but don\u2019t. Maybe you won\u2019t have anything in common and then you\u2019ll be feeling lonely and awkward with another person, which is far worse. What you want to do is find a couple who aren\u2019t talking\u2009\u2014\u2009a married couple with nothing to say to each other at the moment, two other singletons who tried that \u201cfind another lonely person\u201d thing and are realizing it doesn\u2019t always work\u2009\u2014\u2009and start a conversation with them.<\/p>\n

A couple, romantic or not, that is hamstrung for conversation at a wedding can be revitalized by the addition of a third party, and they\u2019ll be desperate and grateful enough that they won\u2019t let the ball drop. Start with \u201cHow do you know the newlyweds?\u201d \u201cWhat do you do?\u201d and then hit them with \u201cDo you hate when people ask \u2018What do you do?\u2019 as small talk?\u201d You\u2019ll charm all four of their socks off.<\/p>\n

JONATHAN CARLSON<\/p>\n

The only gifts on the registry are way over my budget. What do I do?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Get one that isn\u2019t. Buying off-registry is entirely legitimate\u2009\u2014\u2009believe it or not, the registry actually exists for the benefit of the guests more than the wedding couple.<\/p>\n

If you don\u2019t know the couple well enough to choose something to their tastes, get them something consumable, like a gift box of Penzeys spices. (I\u2019m not getting a kickback from Penzeys, mind you. Using brand names is the kind of specific detail that gives writing . . . flavor.)<\/p>\n

If you know other people who will be attending the wedding, you could do one of the big-ticket items as a group gift, saving both time and mental energy.<\/p>\n

By the way, don\u2019t factor the fanciness of the wedding into how much you spend. There is no such thing as a \u201ccover-your-plate rule.\u201d<\/p>\n

Do you tip the bartender at the reception?<\/strong><\/p>\n

If there is a tip jar out, then yes. There shouldn\u2019t be, because that\u2019s tacky as flypaper, but that\u2019s the fault of the couple, not the barkeep.<\/p>\n

Everyone is drinking, but I can\u2019t. Help!<\/strong><\/p>\n

If you\u2019re in recovery, sobriety comes first. You can leave early, duck out to call your sponsor, decline the invitation entirely. This is when you need to do you.<\/p>\n

If your abstinence is more of a problem for other people than for you, you can always be the designated driver. If you\u2019re pressured to drink, you can parry without being too personal: \u201cI\u2019m good with not drinking, but some people are struggling to stay sober, and the way you\u2019re pushing, it could be very bad for someone like that.\u201d (This is also a useful technique for childless people getting flak about their reproductive plans: \u201cI\u2019m good with not having kids, but . . . \u201d)<\/p>\n

Everyone is dancing, but I can\u2019t. Help!<\/strong><\/p>\n

You have options! You can sway with your honey to the slow dances. Learn two moves\u2009\u2014\u2009anyone can learn two moves\u2009\u2014\u2009and repeat them ad infinitum. Dance with the little kids. Chair dance. Study up on epically bad dancers, like Elaine from\u00a0Seinfeld,<\/em>\u00a0and go ahead and dance for comic effect. Bringing people laughter is a mitzvah, after all.<\/p>\n

Whatever else you do, arrange to be in the bathroom when the group dances start.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s been a year and I still haven\u2019t gotten a thank you note. Should I say something?<\/strong><\/p>\n

It depends on the purity of your motives. You don\u2019t get to scold your friends for their poor etiquette, but you do have the right and responsibility to ensure that your gift arrived as intended. Packages get misdelivered and envelopes fall out of pockets every day. Unless you handed the gift off in person, there\u2019s nothing wrong with saying, \u201cI just wanted to make sure you got the . . . \u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

  There\u2019s all sorts of advice out there for the bride and groom, but what about the rest of us? By\u00a0Robin Abrahams   My invitation didn\u2019t include my partner\/kids\/a plus-one. Can I bring her\/them\/him anyway? Sadly, no. Only the explicitly invited may attend a wedding. RSVP cards aren\u2019t election ballots; you can\u2019t just write in […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"content-type":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[32],"tags":[],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nMiss Conduct\u2019s survival guide for wedding guests - Sperry Tents Seacoast<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/sperrytentsseacoast.com\/miss-conducts-survival-guide-for-wedding-guests\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Miss Conduct\u2019s survival guide for wedding guests - Sperry Tents Seacoast\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"  There\u2019s all sorts of advice out there for the bride and groom, but what about the rest of us? 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